my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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