Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
