so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
