she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
