You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
