I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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