Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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