woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
