i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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