your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
