Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
