I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
