it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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