please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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