i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
