i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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