Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize