Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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