Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
