That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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