my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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