so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
