what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
