Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
