I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
