I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
