im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize