Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
