my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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