I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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