I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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