I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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