do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Randomize
