Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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