You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
