Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
