dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
