Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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