Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
