a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
