Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize