Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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