First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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