highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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