A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
