just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
