Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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