If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
