Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
