that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
