I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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