He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
