i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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