Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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