it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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