she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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