If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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