Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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