yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
