Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
