i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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