my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize