I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
