why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
