Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize