Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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