I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
