Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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