dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
