I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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