Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So vagazzling was a success
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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