Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
