did you get engaged???
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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